Los más guapos del Universo Según Pez

Los eneros y febreros son vacuos de neuronas en la cabeza del pescado.

El calor evapora mis neuronas.

Y me vuelve un Pescado vacuo-neuronal.

Que, cual Homero, sólo piensa en cerveza, cerveza y más cerveza. Piensa, mas no siempre ejecuta.

En fin. Antes de que se evaporen todas, escribo mi último post iluminado.

El post de Guapos del Universo según Pez.

Antes que todo, es necesario aclarar, en mi defensa (porque siempre he tenido que defender a mis guapos del universo) mis postulados personales:

 

  1. Ser guapo es una actitud.
  2. En general1, la gente bonita es poco atractiva.
  3. En general2, todos los varones son feos. Y la gente bonita es poco atractiva. Entonces, me gustan los feos, pero no cualquier feo. Los feos atractivos. Y no cualquier feo atractivo, los feos atractivos con actitud. Y si es posible, con nariz pronunciada. Pero no cualquier feo con nariz pronunciada es guapo. Un feo, con nariz pronunciada, y con actitud. Creo que se entendió el punto. ¿O no?
  4. Toda regla tiene una excepción. Excepto la de que ser guapo es una actitud. (Por tanto, puede haber un bonito con actitud, o sea, un bonito guapo).
  5. Como ser guapo es una actitud, hay actores guapos en un personaje, pero toda vez que se liberan de éste, ya no son guapos. Ej: Aragorn del Señor de los Anillos es GUAPO, mas Viggo Mortensen no lo es.

 

Yo sé que para la mayoría de la gente estoy sumamente errada, pero no me importa. Soy feliz así. En fin, la lista. (tengo la intuición de que la temporada vacuo.neuronal se inició antes. O sea, hoy)

William Fichtner

sheriff de pantano.jpgtomunderlay.JPGwilliamf.jpg

Este cincuentón de aquellos hizo surgir una de las frases más iluminadas que tuve la oportunidad de escuchar allá por el 2005: Más rico que sheriff de pantano... o sea, más rico que Tom Underlay, el personaje de Will Fichtner en Invasión. Todo un cafiche de los Everglades. Con su pantalón apretado, su cara sudada, su rol de antagonista y su cuerpo de alienígena luminoso.

Lo mejor, su sex-appeal (palabra horrorosa aprendida a muy temprana edad por culpa de una propaganda ochentera de desodorantes) trasciende al personaje Fichtner ES guapo. Es guapo en La Tormenta Perfecta, es Guapo en Prison Break, es guapo en Armaggedon. Es guapo.

Joaquin Phoenix

Algo tiene esa cicatriz de nacimiento que luce cual labio leporino operado. Y esa linda y profunda voz. Hablada y cantada. Y sus actuaciones. Mis favoritas: Walk The Line (tremendo como Johnny Cash) y la excelentísima La Aldea.  Tengo la impresión que ese último comentario, referido a la calidad de ese filme, puede causar más polémica que el hecho de que Joaquin sea guapo. Y no puedo evitar insertar canciones, aunque sea un post de guapos. Joaquin cantando Folsom Prison Blues, original de Johnny Cash.

Entrevista respecto a Walk The Line.

David Bowie

Por más que se vista de extraterrestre rockero, de rey de marionetas, luzca esos locos cabellos y tenga la ensalada de dientes, Bowie es más guapo que cualquier niñito supuestamente guapo que surja en la TV y el cine.

A continuación, I'm Afraid of Americans junto a Trent Reznor

(Quien realizó varias mezclas para este tema de Bowie en los noventa).

Trent Reznor

REZNOR5.jpg216892.jpg

El guapo torturado. El que canta comiéndose el micrófono. El que baila sensualmente. El que parece que estuviera vomitando tripas. El que se cubre de barro en Woodstock. El que se retuerce en The March of Pigs, el que las hace de sadomasoquista en Closer. El que es feo, pero guapo. El que se parece a Snape, pero es guapo. El que es realmente uno de los más guapos del universo (y que no se noten favoritismos de ningún tipo).

Tiene mucho que ver con su voz, con su energía en el escenario v/s la fragilidad bajo éste, con su mentalidad retorcida ("Hola, sí, me llamo Trent Reznor y grabé The Downward Spiral en la casa donde ocurrieron los asesinatos de Charles Manson") y con esos movimientos que hace al cantar.

Mi amigo M. dijo: "después del recital hablé con más minas, y todas estaban así como..." Así como en el estado Trent Reznor. Según mi amigo M. está gordito. Yo creo que... está como quiere. Como el vino.

REZNOR1.jpgREZNOR4.jpg

Entrevista a Trent Reznor (1994)

Closer en Woodstock. De jovencito.

Echoplex. De grandecito.

Phil Anselmo

Éste es un lindo guapo. Este loco es bonito. Y brutal a la vez. Y ese vozarrón que tiene, esa actitud en el escenario, la llevan. Aunque en honor a la verdad, los tempranos 90 fueron lo suyo. Pelado y cantando temas como Cemetery Gates.

phil hansen anselmo.jpg

 

CSI Brown

Una mujer que no crea que CSI Brown es guapo, es una mujer que debe hacerse ver. Así de simple. Y no voy a explicar por qué es guapo, porque una no puede no encontrarlo guapo. Si entendería explicar por qué encuentro guapo a Grissom, pero no a este pedazo de varón que además actuaba en tamaño pedazo de serie.

CSI BROWN.jpgcsi brown2.jpg

Chris Meloni

Es guapo, pero sus fotos son tan "Grrr" que no estaba segura de ponerlo en esta lista. Él es guapo, pero en el nivel "me gusta pero me asusta". Too much cafichón. Por eso, véalo en la tele. Sin foto. Terribles fotos se toma este hombre. Hieren mi sensibilidad.

Johnny Depp

Alguien que se ve guapo haciendo de pirata amanerado de dientes cariados y cuyo padre ficticio es Keith Richards merece todo mi respeto. Su compañerito Orlando Bloom no está mal tampoco, pero le faltan años de vida y carrete para ser un guapo del universo, como lo es el compadre Depp.

johhny depp.jpg

Chris Cornell

No es necesario entrar en explicaciones. No conozco mujer que no lo encuentre rrrrrico. Con hartas erres. Si veo en la calle un hombre como éste, sufro un paro cardíaco automático. Me gusta desde chiquitita, desde mi preadolescencia. Cuando cantaba en Soundgarden y Temple of the Dog y usaba una chasca de aquellas. Suena absurdo, pero Cornell despertó alguna vez la celopatía de un ex pololo. FREAK. Dueño de una voz peculiar y fabulosa, participó en uno de los discos más redondos que he tenido oportunidad de escuchar: el Down On The Upside, que tuve en cassette y luego olvidé en el auto de mi ex novio rockero. También tuve el cassette de Temple Of The Dog, con su gran hit Hunger Strike. El primero, original, el segundo, JA-JÁ. Sí claro. Chile, noventas, Feria del Disco. JÁ.

chris cornell 2.jpgchris cornell1.jpg

No es que Cornell salga especialmente guapo, es simplemente mi tema favorito de Soundgarden. Blow Up The Outside World. Si yo tuviera una banda, haría un cover de este pedazo de canción, cantada originalmente por este pedazo de guapo.

Mike Patton

Guapo. Y con voz FM. Una vez un ex dijo lo siguiente: A mí me encantaría que (Pez) se metiera con Mike Patton. Y pololear con una mina que se metió con Mike Patton. Uno podría pensar: qué clase de huevón es ése, pero no, la temática es recurrente; con respecto a Cornell he oído el mismo tipo de declaraciones, no de ex novios, mas sí de amigos a sus novias. Algo pasa.

El ídolo musical al parecer resiste todo tipo de concesiones por parte del macho chileno. Incluido ese agarre indirecto.

Y todo tipo de declaraciones. Incluido aquello de que alguna vez Patton comió excremento humano.

Y todo tipo de conductas. Incluido aquello de que Patton pasaba días sin dormir, estimulando un estado alterado de conciencia al parecer muy útil a la hora de componer temones, como el primer track del compilado de las mejores canciones del mundo.

Justin Timberlake

Sí, no sólo me gustó su música. Es que no es él. Él es objetivamente rosado, y como "bonito" en el sentido universal de la palabra "bonito". Por tanto, no me gusta. Lo veo en la calle y no, no, no, jamás lo miraría. Pero vi su recital en HBO y la Actitud Justin es lo más guapa que hay. Y esos trajes que usa, y esos bailes que se manda. Justin, el guapo inesperado. Y ya he posteado mucho sobre él, así que busque el Future Sex/Love Show en Youtube, que esto ya parece el fan club oficial de lobotómicas pro Justin. O busque los videos posteados por Lobo-Pez con anticipación. Busque, busque, busque (o simplemente apriete el siguiente link azul, ese que empieza con That Highway...)

Sayid

Sayid con su entonación vocal, sus poleras musculosas, su personalidad cabrona, su actitud de líder. Guapo de la isla.

Guapo también el de los hombritos raritos, el rico de Sawyer. Aunque "guapo por personaje". Sin personaje, pierde la mitad de los bonos. La cara esa de malandra... damas... la lleva.

sayid.jpg

 

Residente

Una también es charrita pa sus gustos. Guapo el tal residente, guapo su reggaetón y guapa su energía en el escenario también. Calle 13 además es el esperado (por mi abuelita, mi mamita y mis primos que me están viendo allá en la casa) That Highway Don't Get You To Heaven II.

Llégale a mi guarida. Ojo con la aparición de Vicentico, un guapo inexplicable (no podríamos definirlo jamás como "atlético", no se baña, o si se baña no se nota, y hubo una época en que le dio por cantar con buzo agarrándose las bolas. Inexplicable).

Benicio del Toro

¿Necesito explicarlo? GUAPO. 100% actitud guapa. Y el mejor elemento para explicar mi teoría del feo con actitud.

beniciodeltoro.jpg

 

Gonzalo Henríquez

Este es guapo. Y además es amor verdadero. Él es mi amor verdadero. Con la simia lo vimos una vez afuera del Café Literario y yo casi morí. Le dije: ahí va mi amor verdadero. Me puse colorada. Me dio taquicardia. Es chistoso tener un amor platónico verdadero. Es chistosa la cara que puso la simia. Mandril también ha sido testigo de mi amor adolescente. Porque, aunque usted no lo crea, Gonzalo Henríquez está en todos lados. Porque es un dios... No, mentira. Pero en verdad está en todos lados. En toda calle, bar o tocata de Los Tres, en su rol de hermano del Elvis Chilensis).

Paseando sus rulos y también su cara de culo.

Qué miedo él.

Qué guapo también.

gonzalohenriquez.JPG

 

Y con mi amor verdadero, termina la lista de guapos más guapos del universo. Seguro hay más, pero ahora no los recuerdo.

Y paro el escándalo con estos post largos.

Y declaro que me rehuso a publicar nada más hasta obtener al menos 10 comentarios. Esto es coerción. Es vivir por el rating. Es año nuevo. Es el comienzo de la temporada veraniego.vacuo.neuronal del pez.

 

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